Man Alive, Pirates!

Curious twenty-first century citizenry are begging to hear my opinion on the matter, and yes, I too am surprised at the recent increase of pirate-based intrigue. Blackbeard and the like were the subject of children’s tales in my day, and nary did I hear of real-life algerines. I salute the naval sealmen (who seem to be the result of twisted, Gregor Mendel-inspired cross-breeding) that smote the maritime bandits.

[What a cozy-looking pirate, all wrapped in fleece]

What I am most perturbed by in these swashbuckling tales is the presence of a plague I dedicated so much of my life to eradicating: boats. Come on! I pioneered the strut-wire braced wing structure for a God damned reason—that all travel from thereon out would be of the aeronautical persuasion. Why the hell are you still using these floating death traps?

[Boats were invented 40,000 years ago, which unsurprisingly coincides with the advent of homosexual intercourse]

I didn’t hold the International Conference on Aerial Navigation at the World’s Colombian Exposition just so one hundred years later people would still be loafing around on some rusty, buoyant piece of excrement.

[So close, halfway there]

It has also come to my attention that your president is going to spend billions of dollars on American railroads. Don’t misinterpret my wrathy disposition; I worked with and very much enjoyed trains—in eighteen sixty fucking seven!

["Goodbye, all of Octave Chanute's hard work and genius towards the progress of flight"]

All I hear is guttersnipes kicking about complaints when asked about aerial travel. “I have to pay fifteen dollars for a checked bag,” “they make me take my shoes off at security,” “the food is bad.”

YOU JUST TRAVELED AT 500-MILES PER HOUR IN A 200,000 POUND METAL TUBE FROM CHICAGO TO NEW YORK, QUIT YOUR PESTULANT WHIGNING.

[What's the deal with Jewish comedians making fun of efficient, expedient, aeroplane travel?]

How long would it take in a boat? Oh yes, pardon my forgetfulness, YOU COULDN’T MAKE THE VOYAGE IN A BOAT.

But yes, bully job quelling those pirates.