Make Love to Johnny Law, Not War

Skirmishes between policemen and citizens are nothing new. Why, it seemed a daily occurrence that the local constable would rap at my door to accuse me of shorting the neighborhood prostitute her rightful pay. Pauper to president, we relished these tussles. Grover Cleveland famously said of the Haymarket Riots, “Jolly good fun, too bad I bet on the police!”

[Thanks to the Haymarket Riots I only had to pay my workers in pipe tobacco]

Yet this recent and most tame spat between an officer and University man has garnered a grave response from the president, which has beguiled him with much grief from your media (Speaking of which, who needs both an “Op” and an “Ed,” anyway?)

To ensure you don't get pinched in your vestibule, I have drafted some helpful tips for dealing with lawmen:

1) Compliment the constable’s mustache. Its thickness, its auburn hue, the way whistle spittle glistens on it like moonlit raindrops on a thatch roof. These will all do.

[Sir, your lip hair is so magnificent I can't promise I wont pleasure myself to the thought of it later]

2. If he be a bachelor, offer him a drink. If he be married, offer him two!

[Women drive men to drink]

3. Give his horse a carrot. If he does not have a horse, give him yours. If you do not have a horse, that means you are probably an immigrant and will be arrested no matter what you do.

[Be as intimate as possible whilst awarding his steed with said carrot]

4. Remind him that you are a wealthy landowner. Follow this with a clear explanation of the proven and trusted dynamics of social Darwinism.

[Keep procreating, wealthy men!]

Congratulations! You got out of that jam like a congressman’s son gets out of the Philippine-American war.

(NOTE: These tips only work if you are white.)