Econ-Oh Me Oh My!

It seems as if you folks are exhibiting much vexation over the state of your various monies. Not to be bashful, but I was a sound investor in my day. Couple that with my child-employed and ran salt mines, and I acquired a fortune in the millions. A million-aire in my day was, in essence, wealthier than God’s boss.

["Hey God, just a reminder: when I send out company-wide emails don't hit 'reply all' unless you want everyone to see."]

I was merely the son of a college professor yet I came to be one of the wealthiest chaps in the Middle West. Follow my guide and you too can be rolling in Morgan dollars like E.H. Harriman.

[E.H. Harriman: Could run a railroad but could not impregnate his wife]

Invent!
It is a dandy way to make some copper pennies. You could create time-stamped railroad nails. Or an aeroplane. Possibly even a time-machine, should you have the wit.

My apologies, but I have already invented all these things!

[Time-stamped railroad nails, reason #247 why I am the fucking man]

Invest!
Namely, invest in Chanute Bros. Wood Preservation Co.

[No-body keeps wood like the Chanute Bros.!]

Marry into wealth!

Sure, the shabby lasses have the comliest bussom, but they can’t pay your carriage fair to Kansas City, am I right lads?

[I'm going to need you to blow out every last candle and keep the hat on]

Rape the third world!
The delicious tea you are drinking, the rubber on your stamps, those diamonds encrusted in your cane; they all came from honest, hard-working colonizers who weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty while committing mass atrocities that will take centuries to heal.

[It just tastes better when it's made against their will]

When you are sporting the flashiest fawny at the next ball, you'll have your pal Octave Chanute to thank! And if someone offers to sell you a bridge for your newly-acquired wealth, take it! Bridges are fantastic investments.

Abstain!

It looks as if the daughter of your former candidate for vice presidentress has found herself in quite a fix. She has been going from tele-vision program to tele-vision program with her child on her lap promoting abstinence, assuring that it is a dandy way to prevent pregnancy. Why, that is like someone who had a piano fall on them travel around under-neath said piano declaring gravity is a hoax!

[A vice presidential candidate would never be allowed to even have a daughter in my day, it was a sign of weak seed]

She and her huntress mother cite religion. Poppycock! I come from a time when men thought the devil be responsible for sunsets, but if his mistress' belly swelled you’d better believe he sent her on the next oceanliner to Europe for an abortion.

[Ah, Paris, capital of romance. Not to mention the quietest abortions this side of Alsace-Lorraine!]

Look at the picture of me on the left of your screen. I looked like that in my twenties and spent all my time designing bridges, yet I still couldn’t stay abstinent.

[If the one with the bird cage telegrams asking for me, I'm not here]

Of course you can follow the scripture and guide of the bible, but the last time I checked that’s the same book with a character who’s 969-years-old.

[Fuck Yeah!]