Econ-Oh Me Oh My!

It seems as if you folks are exhibiting much vexation over the state of your various monies. Not to be bashful, but I was a sound investor in my day. Couple that with my child-employed and ran salt mines, and I acquired a fortune in the millions. A million-aire in my day was, in essence, wealthier than God’s boss.

["Hey God, just a reminder: when I send out company-wide emails don't hit 'reply all' unless you want everyone to see."]

I was merely the son of a college professor yet I came to be one of the wealthiest chaps in the Middle West. Follow my guide and you too can be rolling in Morgan dollars like E.H. Harriman.

[E.H. Harriman: Could run a railroad but could not impregnate his wife]

Invent!
It is a dandy way to make some copper pennies. You could create time-stamped railroad nails. Or an aeroplane. Possibly even a time-machine, should you have the wit.

My apologies, but I have already invented all these things!

[Time-stamped railroad nails, reason #247 why I am the fucking man]

Invest!
Namely, invest in Chanute Bros. Wood Preservation Co.

[No-body keeps wood like the Chanute Bros.!]

Marry into wealth!

Sure, the shabby lasses have the comliest bussom, but they can’t pay your carriage fair to Kansas City, am I right lads?

[I'm going to need you to blow out every last candle and keep the hat on]

Rape the third world!
The delicious tea you are drinking, the rubber on your stamps, those diamonds encrusted in your cane; they all came from honest, hard-working colonizers who weren’t afraid to get their hands dirty while committing mass atrocities that will take centuries to heal.

[It just tastes better when it's made against their will]

When you are sporting the flashiest fawny at the next ball, you'll have your pal Octave Chanute to thank! And if someone offers to sell you a bridge for your newly-acquired wealth, take it! Bridges are fantastic investments.